coraLai

putek! I’ve been running and running, exhausting myself to near death but i don’t feel like i am getting anywhere.. i don’t even know where i want to be and where i want to go…

Ayon sa isang orgmate ko, ayon daw sa kanyang propesor, sa socio ata, na ang araw daw ay nagpoprodyus ng positive ions at ang positive ions naman ay nakakapag-generate ng happy feeling. So ngayon, ang tanong ko ay…..

"Nasan ang araw at ang maraming positive ions kung kelangan mo????"

after everything was done and i was just waiting for the graduation ceremony, during the said ceremony , then a few days after that ceremony–that was my journey to and actual stay in heaven, now that i think about it.  then i began to (go to) work; thus begins my daily commute from  and stay in purgatory to hell, hell to purgatory.
everyday is just an ordinary commute and stay in purgatory–devoid of any feelings… well, really now, how can you feel something–sadness, joy, passion, anything–for the face of a book, which you are almost forced to face 8 hours a day, 5–even 7–days a week? this is fast becoming a normal day for me though, so its okay.

the "hell" day actually starts everytime i meet my, let’s just call him, b**s. he never fails to amaze and run me ragged.. everytime, i tell you,  everytime we meet with him, he finds new ways to torture us…i really can’t do anything about it but ask, "God, what did i ever do to deserve this?! Did I, without even knowing it, killed a man? or something like that?" So, i stay in hell for a day or two, then everything will be okay, back to normal, back to purgatory….until we meet again. Don’t tell him this though, for this might cause my termination….hmmmm…come to think of it….
just kidding.  i may hate him and i might have the tendency to loathe my work, but i could always love the money i (am yet to) make.

*i do not really believe in purgatory, but because nothing seems to describe my predicament better, i used the term–figuratively.

here goes a song that is pretty much an apology from me to—- well, i think you know who you are..

THE FRAY

How to Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

damn bureaucracy!

okay, so there i was, going to the municipal hall with the proud thought of doing something good for the country…damn! i never realized how hopelessly and disgustingly ill our bureaucracy was/is.  so there we were properly in line waiting for our rightful turn–we were among the first ones to submit our registration materials– when all of a sudden, this cretin of an employee(whether he really is an employee or not is still a mystery) walked into the office with a bunch of papers. So, no big deal right? Except when names were called…the stench reeked out. Sooooo, this is what they do huh! Turned out, those who just came into the scene didn’t have to sit their butt out for even a fraction of a minute (okay, i may be exagerrating, but hey, i’m entitled to my own rage) and wait for their rightful turn just like every other self-respecting and good citizen who have been waiting since the crack of dawn, myself included.  What’s even more infuriating is the fact that another nitwit of an employee (volunteer, actually.  jeez, you’d think they could have employed a person with at least half a brain) was actually assigned to answer or, apparently, give dumb excuses and alibis to the already displeased and restless crowd. "take a number" my a**!!!!

one after another, those jackass employees (are they even employees? i really don’t think so, but for lack of better term..)started to creep their way into sneaking those impatient jerks with no soul whatsoever into being catered to, first.  it just makes me wonder, we were all would-be voters there with equal rights and everything, but what makes them so special so as not to wait for their freakin’ turn?  i sure hope that they’d be wise voters (don’t get me wrong  but this is without any point of comparison to me or any other person/s)..people who actually think..and think not just for themselves but also for others. but hey, excuse me for saying this, but what do you expect from people like these? 

now, onto the real culprits and perpetrators of this disgusting display of "palakasan" and such..the employees, or should i say non-employees with access nevertheless.  if they can act like this ("sabi ni sir chepar…" o "ni ma’am ewan…") during registration, then i’m afraid to think what they can and do during elections!  it just frustrates the hell out of me to think that even though, assuming that i already exercised my right to vote, they (whoever they are, i’m not sure either) can still tamper with the choices i made and come out with a different result! damn!

but it takes two to tango, so they say.  so, i admit my mistake for being a procrastinator like many of other Filipinos.  We should learn from our mistakes, so next time.. but hey, given the situation, it  might not be me, but this could and still happens to many Filipinos, the government could have given a better service, not giving into the "palakasan" system and such and doing it the better way just like some of those offices that we saw were running smoothly, well, as smooth as it gets anyway.

so with that, i leave this thought: Won’t  we ever learn?

p.s. a media crew showed up. you should have seen me rant and rave to them, thankfully, the camera was turned off… or was it?  and by the way, i’m talking about the Comelec office of district 4 of Q.C.

having said this, happy new year to all!

hay naku, as per usual, marami na naman akong tanong sa buhay kong ito. 

bakit b wala pang nakukuhang medal ang Pilipinas sa Asian games? may makukuha pa ba? bakit walang delegado ang Pilipinas sa basketball sa asian games?! bakit?! Saan ba makukulong si LCP daniel smith? ano na ang mangyayari kay nicole?  ano na ang mangyayari sa labanang anti- at pro- chacha? magkakaroon pa ba ng eleksyon? kailan ba ako makakapagpa-rehistro? bakit nakalimutan ni princess/jackie si ely ? bakit di bagay si bea na gumanap na socialite? bakit ang pangit ng delivery ni sam milby sa linyang "i never. said. thatiloveyou!" ?  bakit ba nag-away sina dawn at gretchen? bakit may gf sina erik santos, piolo pascual at paolo ballesteros? bakit ayoko nang mag-aral? bakit wala pa akong nasisimulan sa "thesis"/ undergraduate research project? bakit ayaw kong simulan? bakit ang bilis pero ang tagal ng panahon? "bakit baligtad magbasa ang mga PIlipino?" bakit hindi nangyayari sa totoong buhay ang mga pangyayari sa ‘il mare’?! bakit hindi ako yung babae? bakit di ko pa rin siya makalimutan? nasaan na siya? bakit hindi na nagpapakita ang ibang kaibigan ko? bakit ako lumalayo sa Kanya? natutulog ba ang Diyos? Virginia, meron ba talagang Santa Claus? ano nang nangyari sa papa ko? magkakabati pa ba kami ng mama ko? matitiis ba ng ina ang kanyang anak? habambuhay bang magiging sutil ang isang anak? ako? bakla ba talaga ang prof ko? mahal niya ba si _____? bakit ako nandito? bakit ako?

i have plenty of things to say, plenty of things on my mind …if only i have the courage and strength to say them out loud;if only i could find my own voice; if only i can understand all of them; if only i can make sense of it all; if only I have enough sense to know what is and what isn’t, what’s real from what’s make-believe, what’s true from what’s not; if only i can feel something right now–god! how i pray for something–anger, joy, loneliness, happiness, something, anything?  nothing. just an empty space where i think my heart is supposed to be. i am in a place where i cannot be found, that is, if someone’s searching, and where i cannot be reached–slumbering in a state of numbness, engulfed in the stillness of being nothing and no one.

i am wounded but i cannot feel the pain, i can only see the blood and the scar afterwards.

i am laughing but i cannot hear the sound of my own laughter, nor can i feel the happiness that was supposed to go with it.

i look in the mirror and try to smile; i  see my lips curve up in what is technically a smile but it does not reach my eyes.. i do not see any sparkle in them.. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but i cannot see anything beyond in mine… nothing.

i think i speak in behalf of all the college students when i say that these past few weeks have been nothing but hell! after two weeks of lack of (proper) sleep, of missed breakfasts, lunches and/or dinners, of drowning in books and readings, of swimming in endless, albeit, meaningless words, of being isolated from people, of (involuntarily) hiding in a place called my room or library, of information overload, of throwing up–or at least, wanting to–for the aforementioned reasons, of thinking of throwing in the towel, of crying in the midst of writing a paper and/or studying for an exam you are scheduled to  take in about two hours, of near nervous breakdown, and of other nauseating matters (you get the picture), alas, salvation comes–sembreak naaaa!!! so what do i plan on doing? hmm…i’ve got plenty actually; first and foremost, i plan on taking a long nice sleep (having a ten hour sleep is considered a luxury nowadays) in my own bed without the clutter of papers, books and readings, and i plan on doing this until the second sem starts and the battle  begins, yet again.  next, well how about those overdue library books? maybe i’ll return them…or maybe not, i want to take a break from the library, and so on and so forth.. actually, who cares what i do? the most important thing is i’m free!

…for now.

six degrees of separation. i learned this from my phys10 class, and if i remember correctly, this was derived from a shakespearean play (just don’t ask me which one).  according to this "theory" (for lack of better term) we are at most six degrees separated from the person we want to meet. as an example, my prof said that he wants to meet, say, tom cruise…so, he knows (to a degree) the dean of their college (1st degree–and the counting begins); the dean knows the UP president, who in turn knows our country’s president; the philippine president knows the u.s. president, who in turn knows tom cruise….and there you go! not six, but five degrees of separation! seems simple isn’t it? mind you, this has a scientific basis–this has been studied as a part of complex networks, part of physics as a science of complexity (i’m not kidding). but come to think of it, who needs six degrees of separation when the person you really want to meet, and i mean really want to get to know, is sitting right beside you? 

aral, basa, isip, saulo, aral, basa, isip, saulo….walang hanggang iikot ang utak mo sa kauulit ng mga gawaing ito; walang kapaguran ang mga mata sa pagbasa ng naglalanguyang mga salita, sumasakit na ang ulo mo sa mga nagkakandabuhul-buhol na mga impormasyon, namamaga na ang mga mata mo sa ikalawa,ikatlo, ikaapat na gabing walang tulog–alas singko na naman ng umaga. bakit ba pilit pa ring sinisiksik ang mga kaalaman mula sa isang buong dekada, milenyo, patungo sa isa pa–sa loob lamang ng dalawang oras–kung alam mo, sa isip isip mo, na singko din naman ang tuloy, tres kung susuwertihi’t kaaawaan ng Diyos sa kadadasal (sumasakit na ang tuhod sa kaluluhod at nagsusugat na ang mga daliri sa higpit ng pagkakadaup ng palad dahil alam mong Siya na lang ang pag-asa mo..). pero hindi, matigas ang ulo mo, kaya ko pa ‘to sabi mo. ganyan talaga ang tao kahit na sinasabing ayaw na, tuloy pa rin, kasi wala nang alam na ibang tutunguhan, ito lang ang alam na daan. hay, ang kawawang bata, pagdating ng takdang oras, halos mangiyak sa nakita: gaga! sa isang araw pa ang pagsusulit!