coraLai

i have plenty of things to say, plenty of things on my mind …if only i have the courage and strength to say them out loud;if only i could find my own voice; if only i can understand all of them; if only i can make sense of it all; if only I have enough sense to know what is and what isn’t, what’s real from what’s make-believe, what’s true from what’s not; if only i can feel something right now–god! how i pray for something–anger, joy, loneliness, happiness, something, anything?  nothing. just an empty space where i think my heart is supposed to be. i am in a place where i cannot be found, that is, if someone’s searching, and where i cannot be reached–slumbering in a state of numbness, engulfed in the stillness of being nothing and no one.

i am wounded but i cannot feel the pain, i can only see the blood and the scar afterwards.

i am laughing but i cannot hear the sound of my own laughter, nor can i feel the happiness that was supposed to go with it.

i look in the mirror and try to smile; i  see my lips curve up in what is technically a smile but it does not reach my eyes.. i do not see any sparkle in them.. they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but i cannot see anything beyond in mine… nothing.